Gratitude and Grief

Both have been topics on my mind for today.  2 families that I know have been dealt this blow in the last few days.  But it has brought the topic to the forefront of my mind, as well as some old, long buried emotion.  My husbands cousin passed away this morning.  I did not know her well - as she was a little older than joseph, and he played more with the boys growing up, but I did have the chance to see her several times.  She reminded me of what my grandmother would often speak of - a Gracious Lady.  I wish I had the chance to get to know her better before she passed on.  Grief is an interesting animal.  Even with as little as I knew her, I feel it, but not for her.  I have no doubt that she currently with family and it will be but a blink of an eye, before the rest of her family are with her again.  But I feel for her parents, two people that I admire and look up to.  No parent should out live their child, as another good friend learned this afternoon, as she buried her infant daughter. Although, we know it isn't really loss, just a temporary situation, it still hurts - and I know that it is so much more for immediate family-than what Joseph and I feel.  We want to help, to alievate it somehow, and we know that we can't - all we can offer is love.  There is a poem -  a common one, but I have like regardless, and it is very descriptive.
by Henry Van Dyke - 1852 - 1933

I am standing by the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch
until at last she hangs like a peck of white cloud
just where the sun and sky come down to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!
Gone where? Gone from my sight - that is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the places of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
'There she goes! ' ,
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout :
'Here she comes!'

While I think that separation is hard on those who are left standing on the shore, we can find comfort in knowing that when its our turn, those that we have loved and missed, will be the ones to watch and say, "Here she comes"

So how does gratitude play into grief? At least for me, it reminds me of what I have lost, and yet what I have gained and been blessed with.  That my struggles are small, and that I've not been asked to do hard things yet.  It provides perspective, and a reminder as to what is honestly important - and that is family and faith.

my parents remodel - of my childhood home.

some of you may find this interesting... and others of you - not so much - since you've never been there.

Pity Party - proceed with caution.

 

So that should be fair enough warning I'm in a bad mood today. I'm having a little pity party for the next 5 min.

I am tired of being ugly.  I am tired of feeling like I have to hide behind turtlenecks and not wearing makeup or jewelry becuase it might draw attention to my face or neck.  I hate feeling like I wish I was invisible!  I hate having to deal with facial hair.  I am tired of people staring and commenting under their breaths, and I'm tired of pretending it doesn't bother me when kids say things, even knowing they really don't know any better.  I hate how unfeminine it makes me feel.  I'm done with doctors and insurance companies that say, oh it's not a big deal - and yet those same one will pay for reconstructive surgeries, because to leave someone deformed or shaped differently becuase of a medical condition is cruel.  It takes away from their self image.

Well let me tell you - getting up in the morning - and have a better beard than your husband is DEMORALIZING!  It ruins self image just as not having breasts does, or having to wear a wig.    Does is tell us something, that the bearded lady was the freak in the circus side show - right next to the hunchback?

I know that many out there will say - wow what a selfish person, doesn't she realize that people are dying?  And yeah - I do.  If I had to choose between life with this or death?  I'd choose this.  But please don't invalidate my feelings with how you think I should be feeling.  

I often step back and wonder, what was it I saw in the pre-existence, that was so amazing to me that I was willing to say - yes - I am willing to take on this problem, and be willing to give up having many children as a part of it, becuase I knew it would be worth it...... crud... a glimpse of that right now would be a welcome change for a few minutes.  I need a recharge....either that or I have to content my self with ugly.  and unfortunately?  I don't see either happening.

ok... pity party is over..... back to work.

Congratulations Stuart!

Stuart has been working hard at scouting over this summer - and we are both really proud of what he has been able to accomplish!  Last night they held the Court of Honor, for all the awards earned at camp this summer.  Stuart set a high goal of 6 merit badges and came very close to that.  Here are the ones he finished:

Emergency Preparedness

 

ART

Swimming

Sculpture

Wilderness Survival

Environmental Science

He also finished up Environmental Science last spring, so he earned 6 badges over the summer.  We sat down and he set up goals for finishing the other merit badges he needs.  His goal is to be able to work on his Eagle starting in the spring, and then do it over the summer -before he heads up to camp - where he is wants to work as a CIT - counselor in training.  I still need to look into that - and make sure it won't interfere with his varsity activity.  But, he is motivated at the moment, lets hope that he stays motivated.

Another item we are very proud of him for, is achieving the rank of Star.  He finished up everything for that last month, and they were able to have his Scout Master Conference and board of Review yesterday.  He didn't recieve the award at the court of honor, but as far as advancement goes - they told him that his time starts as of yesterday.  So we are very happy that he has made it to there.   His goal there is to have his life rank by March, and he is well on his way for that. - So even though I know he rarely reads this - STUART  - we are very proud of you and pleased with your progress.

mo·ti·va·tion

mo·ti·va·tion

1.the act or an instance of motivating.

2.the state or condition of being motivated.

3.something that motivates; inducement; incentive

Hm... well #1 doesn't apply - I'm no where near #2  - but that could be solved with #3 - anyone have any suggestions?  I have a small paper to write, and math homework - and even the idea of a free day tomorrow - or at least free of homework isn't motivating to me yet.

Here is what I am motivated to do:
Sleep - sounds like a great idea.

However, in reality - I will probably go write my paper.

and so it begins.... Girls!

Stuart is growing up - the infatuation with girls is starting.  We stopped by the library, just the other afternoon.  I spent some time over in the fiction section.  As I head over to tell Stu he needs to hurry up - I notice a young lady, watching him from around one of the shelves.  I have to say - she was cute.  Of course, I'm also thinking that he is oblivious to her - but for the moment it gave me hope - that I will get a good d-law and grandkids. 

I can't wait to tell Joseph about it, the girl checking Stu out - and as soon as I catch up with them, I pull him aside.   Here is a brief transcript of our conversation

Me: - So - I have to tell you about the girl at the library (with a big grin on my face)
Joseph: - yeah - Jessica, right?
Me: ?? Jessica??
Joseph:  Yup - Stuart was telling me about seeing her at the library - and kinda watching what she was doing with out her noticing.

At this point?  I have to sit down I am laughing so hard.  Here I was, thinking "wow - a girl is checking out my son" that I didn't notice he was checking HER out!  and neither of them spotted each other doing it!!!!!   It is the young lady we think he has a crush on - but he insists that they are just friends.  Which we like, but we are also trying to get him to understand that while you don't ACT on those feelings at this point, its ok to have them, and he can offer to carry her books, or even dance with her.  He will be going to church dances in about 3 months.  Joseph is going to teach him how to dance - so at least he has some real moves.

Time will tell.  I think raising a teenage boy just became much more entertaining.

Family Camping

As always - we managed to scrape out a little time for a family trip.  We headed up Smithfield Canyon for a few nights.  We enjoy living so close to the National Forest, it makes small trips like this possible.  Matt and Crenda and the boys came up for the evening.  As always, it is great fun to see the boys.  I brought up cupcakes, since I missed their birthdays.  Logan - managed to con Aunt Sarah out of 2 cupcakes - but all he wanted was the frosting.  I have to say though, watching Andrew, was an education.  I have never watched anyone eat the cupcake OUT FROM UNDER the frosting!  It was amazing.  We had to give Crenda a bit of a hard time, as she wore white pants up.  Needless to say, they were no longer white by the end of the evening.

The next best part, was watching the power struggle, and yes - power struggle, between Joseph and Matt.  Its not a side of Joseph that comes out very often.  It took over 45 min for then to get the fire started.  Which I found incredibly amusing.   Both insisting that their way was the right way.   Needless to say, all the other fires Joseph built took right off, and I'm sure that any that Matt builds do the same, but I don't think I'm ever going to let them do it together again.

The rest of the trip was fairly normal.    The only other fun part, was when I was making pancakes.  I typically use a gallon ziplock bag, to mix in and then clip the end to pour out.  Well...I managed to cut  a hole in both ends - and instead of pouring out one pancake - I poured out the whole bowl.  I'm grateful that the griddle I take camping has a lip.  I managed to cook one GIANT pancake - 14" square.  Flipping it was a bit of a task.  Had to break it up a bit, but I managed.   Didn't taste to bad, either.

Joseph took some pictures of the stars, with the tripod.  I'm not sure how they came out - he said something about Venus in a crescent..... but all I could see was a bunch of dots.

Anyway - more to come!  School has started and I'm sure that there will much more to come.