Pity Party - proceed with caution.

 

So that should be fair enough warning I'm in a bad mood today. I'm having a little pity party for the next 5 min.

I am tired of being ugly.  I am tired of feeling like I have to hide behind turtlenecks and not wearing makeup or jewelry becuase it might draw attention to my face or neck.  I hate feeling like I wish I was invisible!  I hate having to deal with facial hair.  I am tired of people staring and commenting under their breaths, and I'm tired of pretending it doesn't bother me when kids say things, even knowing they really don't know any better.  I hate how unfeminine it makes me feel.  I'm done with doctors and insurance companies that say, oh it's not a big deal - and yet those same one will pay for reconstructive surgeries, because to leave someone deformed or shaped differently becuase of a medical condition is cruel.  It takes away from their self image.

Well let me tell you - getting up in the morning - and have a better beard than your husband is DEMORALIZING!  It ruins self image just as not having breasts does, or having to wear a wig.    Does is tell us something, that the bearded lady was the freak in the circus side show - right next to the hunchback?

I know that many out there will say - wow what a selfish person, doesn't she realize that people are dying?  And yeah - I do.  If I had to choose between life with this or death?  I'd choose this.  But please don't invalidate my feelings with how you think I should be feeling.  

I often step back and wonder, what was it I saw in the pre-existence, that was so amazing to me that I was willing to say - yes - I am willing to take on this problem, and be willing to give up having many children as a part of it, becuase I knew it would be worth it...... crud... a glimpse of that right now would be a welcome change for a few minutes.  I need a recharge....either that or I have to content my self with ugly.  and unfortunately?  I don't see either happening.

ok... pity party is over..... back to work.